indeed my lyf is nt meant to b hapee. i hv my reasons whn i said tht. i hvnt been hapee fr more than 24hrs. im freakn keen to find out ta reasOn y. weird thO. im bubbly, playful, jokeable n yet im nt hapee?

i ws browsn thru my past pOstd blOggies n i sw a pOst whr i ws talkn bout ths brO tht enlightnd me. thn i begn to search fr ta advices he pourd to me. i ws readn every single word tht he said to me. i ws troubld wid prObz varyin frm luv lyf, frenshp, studies. al togethr. wOw. hw bd lyf cn b. he ws like a mentOr to me. guided me evry step. as time past. we began to drift apart. no more xchangn msges. he ws workn. i found my dearie tht tym. al my time ws dedicatd to him. both of us went seperate ways. somehw his msges stil enlightns me. ^^ p/s: robert bro if ur readn. its tru. ur words remains in me.

i began to collect n gathr every piece of my thots n place them in place. i am who i am. just recently im so restles n tired. dun feel like doin anytin. gOd knws hw much iv been slpn. alOoooOt. ^^ mayb as mum said ”excessiv slp kills ur brain cells”  a sentence whch is constantly utterd by mum. mayb i reAly meltd my brains. i cn even thnk of ta simplst solution fr ta easiest ques. lAme mAple.

y do ppl hv to b like tht? no answr to ths. i knw it. diff thots? diff personality? iv tried aceptn ppl who differs frm my usual clan. i reAly did try wid al my hArt n sOul. jst dun seem to b adequate. certain ” diff ” r jst so nice n sweet tht i cudnt bear labeling them ” diff ”. wel, if labeln sounds toO mean. thn im sry. i jst cudnt thnk of a btr wrd. =) i proudly cal these group of ppl my fRenz. i wud do anytn fr them. aftral they jst need to b nice to me n il b ta same in return. as ta sayn goes, we hv to go wid ta flO ~~

ths particular persn. im dOne wid ya. fck off n gt a lyf. die wid ur sins n egOism. some wud ask ” is ths necassary? ” yeap. it is. to me. anger releasd. upset gone. thnx fr scrwn my dAy bIAtch. bIatch bcz ” its ” doins r jst like bItches. tWo fAced mOnstr.

iv cleard my mind. vry clear. as clear as crystal clear water. =)  i reflect wel on ths mattr. my tantrums needed to b ctrlld. im so manJa- fIed tht i need plenty of tym to ctrl tht thO. il do my part. nt to wry, peeps.

wel..iv slog thru 2yrs in a smal suburban town cald kampa..nw its time to try life in the bussiet city in m’sia..wel..fr shopn or hols purposes..kl is alwz ta 1st choice..bt fr lng term..im realy nt lookn frwrd fr it..lol..farni bt tru..cz im so wel protectd in iPoh..my boring yt luvly hometwn..n ta suburb kampa..lol..dn dare to c myself chasn busses..waitin fr lrt n taxis..lol..

i knw hw dangerous is setapak or wangsa maju..al ta stories of truth n aso rumours..ta biggst impct is fr sure ta environmnt..secnd is ta ppl thr..thrd iv gna hv to strt al ovr again..on a brightr side..i cn hide al my weaknesses n strt again as a new persn..like a prisoner jst releasd n wnts to strt a new lyf..no one wil knw tht he ws a prisoner..n obviously i did nt go to jail..lmao..ta dark side..iv gt to bcareful nt to trust ppl easily n stuf..gt to knw whom r frenz n whom rnt..al oVr again..cn u evr imagine tht..yAikx..

thnkn bck bout hw i wnt thru my sem1 yr1 in smal kampa..ws a nightmare to me..i ws cryn fr ta whole 1st week..everydy i pleaded to mum to let me go home..she ws so worried..cz i nvr hd trouble mixn n miggln among ppl..bt ths time..i told her n she realizd tht i cudnt accept ta culture in tarc..i ws too used wid my own circle of buddies..(i realy luv u all)..i cudnt acept ppl wid diff thots..diff opinion..cudnt acept ta shitty rumours they threw at me..they aso cudnt acept ta way i am..im way too open minded fr them to handle..they claim tht im too arrognt..wtf..they wer jst killn me inside..i ws alone..my roomate tht time..ws nt at al supportv..she evn shut me off..wht a sucky roomate..lucky..my hsmate(shan yng) rescue me..she tried her best to acompany me..to console me..at last we shiftd out..n we wer livin a happy life..i enjyd my 2nd sem..wid my great hsmates (poh sim too)..

thrfore, in kl..i agak agak knw whts life gona b in ta beginnin..cz iv went thru hell..i knw hw thngs wil go..so its gna b hell again..bt ths time if anytin hapns in my hs..i cnt shift..suxx..so i pray tht ntg’s gna hapen betwn my future hsmtes n me..n iv ady detectd anothr c0n-ster of ta year..cn evn win oscAr’s award d..wel..i cnt complain much..im jst ta odd one out in tht unit..sObz..hope ths time wid dearie..i hope thng wud turn out bettr..s i hv a shouldr to cry on..cz im away frm mum..3hrs driv away..last time ws 45min..iv gt someone to rely on..someone to acompany me whn im lonely..someone i cn trust nvr wil leave me alone..

recently me n dearie’s rship r abit shaky..some sort like we wer on ta edge of a rock..nt stabil..alt of dwns..wel..i ws so depressd fr quite some time..i pray tht avtin wil turn out bettr..most thngs wer settld..dislikes n likes wer spoken..to avoid misunds..eventualy we’r improvn..usualy god put u thru dwns to alow u to enjy ta ups aftr ta dwns..jst pray.. *uttr a smal prayer*

bout my bd lck?..im stil mournin fr tht..my precious sony erisson k800i..aihh..gone..by ta wind..undr ta hands of ths blady bastard..i hope tht he’l gt his balasan fr doin ths to me..farker~!..my fren actualy trustd ths farkr..n assurd him tht my phone is safe in his hnds..(i needed to fix my phone..camera cacat abit)..cc ths farkr changd my phone..ta whole phone is nt mine..just ta casing is mine..n worst is he dun wna admit tht he changd my phone..he evn lied to my fren who trustd him..imagine..aihh..so its nt my fren’s fault aso lar..i urge to anyone nt to send ur phone to anyone to fix..al phone technicians r liars~!..fckn liars~!

bladybastardsonofabitchmuthafarkerassholedonkeymonkeypig

nobrainfarktardnodicknoassbetrayernoheartshortlifefarKER.

i wstd an entire week woryn bout my phone..calln my fren..askn him to solve it..i cudnt slp fr one week too..cz i ws too distrbd wid ths mattr..(im eMo..smal thngs mattr alot to me)..bt my fren advisd me tht i shud learn n grow up..dun gt too frustratd ovr petty thngs..concentrate on my studies..thts wht mattrs most..since i kept mentionin tht my results wer dropn like bird droppins..ths fren told me..   

                    ‘a persns attitude determines his fate’

it realy reflect ta truth whn ths fren xplaind to me ta meanin bhind..i thnk its a cantonese proverb..thnx fr tht magic word..il remembr tht..lol..

aftr so mch iv been goin thru..i suspectd i ws havn ta early symptoms of depression..im serious,peeps..jst at tht moment..i ws so devastatd..i ws thnkn bout my luvly dad n luvly mum..my dearie..my buddies..my lyf..practicaly i ws like so eMo-fied..thn sudenly i found myslf cryn in frnt of ta monitor..*silly me*..pray tht avtin wil b oryte..mUm i lUv u..take care in iPo..dad wil alwz b wid her..i knw..i lUv u toO dAd..*tears welled d*

well..im finaly bck n in the mood to blog..alt hs hapnd frm 2weeks bck frm my ’supposd-to-b hapee’ bday..i faught wif mum..actualy we din fight..u c..mum jst calld n yell ovr the phone..n thts it..cold war..ws pretty upst the entire week..cz i ws goin fr a trip..she din evn bothr replyn any of my msgs..ws pretty depressd tho..she usualy wudnt do tht..thn..whn my bday ws gettn nearer..more n more probs occurd..more n more frenz cudnt turn up..some hd reasons..some jst din wna come..ta frenz tht i wntd them to come most cudnt (jUnE,mAbEl,sOnIa,yAsO,kAtE,jAs)..they wishd they wer here..at the end..most of them wer here..rocky,mike,andrew,my kampa gang,my hsmates,my dearie..al came..ws pretty hapee thn..i gt lotsa lotsa prezzies..eventualy mum n i hd peace..so nt tht sad d lar..i actualy lost weight durn ths 2weeks man..such an effctv way to slim dwn..ths 2weeks i realy went thru alot..thanx to my dearie tht i cn go thru it..alwz thr to support me..alt of cryn momnts..im sch a cry bby in front of dearie..cnt stop those tears..jst wna cry it out..thn il go fr food..eat al i cn..eatn is sch a cure whn ur sad..thn i hd a suprise party by my dotter (yiAi)..thnx..ur spagetthi realy ‘manyak sedap’ ar..luv u so mch..thnx fr avtin..nvr been cared so mch fr a lng time..the more i missd my sec.sch times..wel,iv nvr let them go..tho im gna grad frm college soon..proceedn to a highr lvl..more challenges..more obstacles..im nt gona let those moments of joy,naiveness to evr fade away..i miss mY fReNz..its nt ez to let go certain thngs tht u cared most..thrs great news aso..dearie shud b vry hapee..so am i..at last..wish tht avtin goes on smoothly n fine..may al sadnes n hapines b shard..dne so mch to cme to ths point..wudnt wnt n wudnt allw anytn to spoil it..mess wif me..il destroy ur lyf..thn begn to realiz more n more stuf..in othr wrds..reality..ppl r unpredictable..im nw ready to let ‘my fellow fren’ go..i promise dearie n my othr frenz..those wer the last im doin..i wil..achiev ths..i wna get rid of ths..may oni the sweetst we hd shard be kept in me..i proudly say tht its tA eNd..im nt a great fren..im a grl wf attitude prob..i hate myslf alot tht im livn in grief n sorrownes..i admit tht im two-identity..i hv my inner self whn im alone..im eMo inside n hapEe outside..iv gt double identity..bt i cn guarantee tht im nt two-faced in treatn ppl..dUn eVr gt mE wRnG..aftral iM sTil mE..lUv it oR hAte it..i dUn gv nO fCk..iM gEttN aLive..

p/s : bout the miss pinky story..i confirmd tht she JEALOUS of me..lOlx..i wOn tHe wAr..she dislikes CHINESE SPEAKN ENGLISH..sTuPId bItCh~!hOw i hAte hEr..

‘even heaven is hell without u’ wud b officially my new phrase..it sounds so damn eM0..it appear at the right time..i ws eM0..ntg seems well til nw..i jst find it so0 damn tru..i find tht i cnt stay a secnd away frm this persn..i wna spend al my time wif ths persn..jst dno y..iv nt felt this b4 in a lng time..lngr thn i cn remembr..thngs tht seemd ok before is nt..the thngs tht im feeln nw..iv nt felt wif anyone else..jst hoped tht tht persn is my right one this time..hwevr..im afraid tht i’l hurt tht persn in the future..like hw i did nw n before..im scard to make the decision..cn luvers b luvers without the ‘nAmE’ or recognition?i blieve thrs  a possibility if both parties agree..cz i stil come acros frenz tht prefer to b low-profile..they evn thnk tht holdn hnds in public is nt realy necassary..evn if it is..its nt to show the world tht they’r couples..jst cz they both luv each othr..wna show each othr tht they treasure each othr..isnt it bettr tht way?..luv is betwn 2 persn..y cnt it b jst betwn both?must avone knw?is it tht proud?does this mean tht u wna show off hw handsome or hw pretty ur partnr is?if hvn a bf/gf makes u proudr..thn u shud name urself desperate asshole..u dun deserve anyone..i once hd tht thnkn..whn i ws about f2 n f3..aftr mch ups n dwns..trials n tribulation..iv grown..in handling eMotiOns n feelns..makn sure tht avtins wht i wntd b4 say ‘yEs’..unfortunately..mistakes aftr mistakes iv dOne..taught me alot..its true..nw to considr one thng..i take ages..waha~!jst hate decision makin..dun wna answr..dun wna thnk..yUx!bt so far..we r doin well..some say..or mayb wht i thnk is tru..tht thngs nw r stil fresh..new..time is needed to realy determine whethr thngs ltr cn work out anot..argh*..frenship betwn tht particular persn hasnt been well..bt since she cn act s tho ntgs wrng..so cn i..i ws nuMb..i din knw wht to answr..i ws tired of avtin..i cudnt reply..jst told her i needed time..avtin’s to0 late..the pain n worries u’v caused r nt oni wounds..they’v bec0me scars without u realizin..i realy cnt stand anytin tht u do nw..its sorta like puttin salt on my wounds..no thanx..i cnt seem to do anytin..wastd al my time idly..doin ntg..NTG..i cudnt blive myself..im nw loaded wif work..last minute assignmnts..fUH* hope i cn just forgt bout avtin..dreams tht seemd so real..jst hope tht i cn go thru this sem happily..wif the persn..my fellow buddies..frenz..hsmates..i jst wna b hapee..bt whn he leaves me..im sad n alone again(nt realy alone to the xtreme..i stil gt my buddies)..wht is inside cnt b seen..i miss u av second~!lurve ya lotx..

finaly i hd ta urge to go cut my hair..it ws like a 100k bet..cut hair aso gt alot of dillema wn lar..woryin whethr it wil suit me anot..izit toO short..izit ugly..cn i manage it ltr..wil i regret..arghH~ so much to think about lar..bt at last i did hv ta haircut..n gues wht..its a nu maple..(clap hands)i mean new!!..coz im just so sick of the same hairstyle..so sien..n worst..avone hs the same hairstyle..(i straightened my hair)..a nu hair means a nu me..a brand nu attitude..finaly i gt to ditch those suckers frm my life d..thank gOd..realiz the the ‘pinkish girlish girl’ iv knwn..aint tht polite..shez just a plain actress..hidin al her inner self..those who r cloz to her knws it..OMFG!?! she hs foold the whole world..most guys take her as a goddess..my aRse lar..looks deceived avone..talk bout tht persn i feel like xplodin like a volcano..so fckin fake..hw cn a persn b so fake?..oHh gOd..jst cnt stnd it whn ppl ask me bout her..telln me hw pretty she is..i jst feel like telln them off the truth..bt sure lar..i kept quiet..cnt destroy ppl’s impression towards her..if i told them aso..they wont blive me..hER lOoks r dEcEivN..dEvil in disGuise..fck!!..dUn gv a damn d lar..keep comparin larr..those suckers out thr..i dUn fcKn care d..this is ady the last sem fr those yr2 ppl..dUh..i hv a few frenz leavn..bt most importntly..i feel the pain whn this particular persn is leavn..im gna mis this persn dearly..al the ups n dwns we hd..i missd the moments we spent..i hope tht we ended up happily..bt thngs arent wht we wishd..toOo many barriers between us..tOoo complicated..nvr cudv figured out the prob..mayb fate is nt on our side..we hv to part soOn..soOn enaf u’l meet new ppl..me tOOo..mayb thts life..bt no mattr wht..i cn nvr frgt u..u left a scar in my heart..in my memories..uv hurt me the deepest cz i cared fr u..av second wif u make my life worth livin..ur my fren..my buddy..my avtin..nw..its gone..avtin collapsed in a second..howevr..deep dwn i pray hrd tht avtin goes on smoothly fr u..hope tht we cud b frenz frever tho avtin wud change whn u step out of the door..just missd u..lurve ya lotx..examz jst around the corner..n im stil doubtin tht i cud do well..i regretd my sem2’s results..thus..i pledge tht this sem..i wna do well..no shitx around me..nerdy maple is bck..(puttin on thick specs)say ni lar..bt i stil cnt concentrate..the same ol’ probs stil buggin me..like a virus..cnt delete..cnt erase..wish i cn just format myself..frgt avtin thts sad..oni keep those sweet memories..watever it is..sad n hapee moments r like black n white keys on a piano..they hav to b playd togethr to produce melodious music..sOoo..the oni way out is tht..indulge in more hapee times n hope tht it wil reduce the sad ones….chAoz..